Eric
Low's Choice
Short listed poem(s)
Poem #10 Twilight
Poem #5 Rejection
Poem #8 Why Wont They Come?
Final decision
Poem #10 Twilight
His comments
I am mindful that I am only a very minor poet (if at all), but
while it may be difficult to differentiate objectively between a
good poem and an excellent one, it is relatively easy to detect a
bad one.
The nicest thing I have to say about the lot submitted for this is
that I am sure their authors were all very sincere about their
craft. Some of these poems have the seeds of good ideas, while one
or two have promising lines. However, even if you put all these
together - sincerity, half a good idea, one or two promising lines
- they do not always add up to a poem.
My choice was made based on simple elimination. I went through each
poem and mentally crossed out the most cringe-worthy ones first.
From the remaining poems, I crossed out those that either contained
way too many cliches, or were super sala (in every way) or were
filled with what I deemed to be severe language errors. After that,
I was left with three poems: Rejection (no. 005), Why Wont They
Come? (no. 008.) and Twilight (no. 0010). Of these, I chose
Twilight because of a few reasons: one, it had the most promise to
rise above what it is now; two, because personally I am partial to
local themes; lastly, it pointed to an external context.
I would like to point out though that the one with the most
promising line goes to Why Wont They Come? for Next a grumpy duck
stuck/ between frozen lake and uncertain sky..
Suggestions for improvement? Well...read. Then read some more. Not
those self-improvement books for poetry or those how to write
better poetry type, those are helpful only at the beginning stages
(they at least point out to you what not to do) and even then
reading too many (three is too many) will only dull your poetic
voice. Read poems. Read contemporary poems by Mark Strand, Les
Murray, Sharon Olds, Gluck, Billy Collins, Simic, Levine, Jack
Gilbert, Simon Perchlik, etc, etc. For context, read Whitman,
Coleridge, Wordsworth, then Hopkins, Thomas, blah blah blah. If you
must read essays on poetry, read Harold Bloom. (ehh.. well, I only
read Bloom, so am not good for those examples, might I suggest
googling?) For local stuff, read Arthur Yap, Boey Kim Cheng and
Cyril Wong.
If you dont want to buy, the net has chunks of good stuff. The
journals are the safest bet though. The Cortland review, Drunken
Boat, Black Warrior, Shampoo, Three Candles, Cider Press Review,
Free Verse, Softblow, etc etc. though I suggest printing, because
reading them off the screen can provide a major headache.
Alamak, just dont stop reading la.
Put this one aside for a while. Let your ambitions for this poem
quiet down. When you go back to this after a while, dont be afraid
to cut it up and start from scratch. There are quite a number of
stereotypes in this one, you can turn this on its head by exploring
them. The views on tai-tais, trishaw rider and cabaret girls are
very one dimensional, utterly stereotypical and seemingly a tad
moralistic, so dwell on that. Why not another way? I have met a
guilt-ridden tai-tai, a happy with-his-lot trishaw puller and a
cabaret girl whose motto is life is good. Even if it has to be a
pseudo-political/moralistic piece, the reader must be convinced,
not coerced.
Also, if the arrangement was meant to mean something, it was pretty
weak. Dont let aesthetic arrangement govern your poem in this
manner, and whats up with the non-capitalised i? I really hope
you were not trying to imitate cummings or Yap.
Concentrate on your poetic voice first. The rest will come
later.
Ok, thats my 2 cents worth. Good luck to all with your writing and
apologies if a tad offensive.
Regards
Eric Low
